I don't know

AUTHOR: Kallie E. Sage

EDITOR: Hannah

ARTIST: Flavija

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT AND DEPRESSION

I don’t know

I don’t know if I made everything up

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know

no one knows

what I’ve been through

no one knows

the thoughts in my mind

no one knows

that I can’t do this anymore

when I lie in bed

I feel the ghost of his hands

when I’m in the shower

their laughter echoes in my ears

when I look at myself in the mirror

I want to scream

“what are you doing?”

I asked

no response

“stop”

I said

no response

“no”

I whispered

two letters

aren’t they supposed to hold all the power?

isn’t no supposed to make it all better?

why didn’t it work?

other people have it worse

they’ve been through so so so so sososososososo much worse

I don’t know if I can compare

I don’t know if I’m worth it

I

don’t

know

if you asked me how I was doing

I’d tell you “I’m fine”

if you asked me if anything was wrong

I’d tell you “nothing at all”

if you asked me if I wanted to be alive

I’d tell you “yes of course”

but

I don’t know if I can keep this up anymore

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know

I’m bursting

at the

s e a m s

I don’t know if anyone can ever know the full truth

I don’t know how you’d react

if I told you “I’m not fine”

I don’t know what you’d say

if you saw the truth behind my words

I DON’T KNOW

I DON’T KNOW

I DON’T KNOW

I DON’T KNOW

I DON’T KNOW

and maybe I never will

maybe this is all an illusion

maybe nothing ever happened

maybe my skin doesn’t have to feel dirty

no matter how much I scrub

and scrub

and scrub

and scrub

maybe I’m 8 years old again

or maybe I’m 11

maybe I can still smile without

feeling like a

f r a u d

maybe

just maybe

people could take “no” for an answer.