never have I ever

AUTHOR: Saanvi

EDITOR: Hannah

ARTIST: Ara

The cup stays still. 

Never have I ever 

Missed somebody so severely, it hurt in my chest

Never have I ever

Loved someone so deep, my heart felt filled

Never have I ever 

Shed tears in the name of adoration

Never have I ever

Been the object of somebody’s pure affection. 

[perhaps I am defective, incapable of loving and missing and caring, robbed of the life I did nothing to deserve]

I’ll drink to that. 

Never have I ever

Grown out all my friends, discarded them like clothes to be worn no longer

Never have I ever

Cried because what I felt most naturally was anger

Never have I ever 

Avoided love at every corner, like it’s a haunted forsaken thing

Never have I ever

Been so underwater and faraway that it felt somewhat like dying. 

[perhaps it is for a reason, the only friendship I have grieved is the one I called mine in childhood, since then I’ve not missed, just missed out] 

Throw the cup out. 

Never have I ever

Spoken up for myself because I believed I deserve it 

Never have I ever 

Taken the easy way out of all my little messes

Never have I ever

Had the courage to behave out loud and think irrationally. 

Never have I ever 

Stretched myself free, unafraid to take up space and just be. 

[perhaps I really don’t deserve it and would rather tell myself this than be told it through somebody else’s running mouth, decreasing the way it hurts if only so marginally and temporarily]

[perhaps all this is true and yet I refuse to see it for what it is, never have I ever, never will I ever…]