AUTHOR: Hannah
EDITOR: Mia
ARTIST: Flavija
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have...”
My eyes close against the onslaught. The sound of rain presses on my eardrums. I try stacking the bricks of our invisible wall to protect myself from your words.
“I have to go.” I’m walking away, the sounds of my flip-flops squish-squishing in run-off. Back to my room, back to where it’s safe. Back to where I’ll curl up and wait for everything to just stop.
“Emma. Emma.” Even now, my name is dripping honey on your lips. “Please. Look at me.” The world shifts on its axis as I turn; this moment altering both of our orbits.
You stand before me as my tears blur with the storm’s, both of our chests heaving with the weight of all things unspoken. Your gentle hands reach for my own and despite all I mean to do, I don’t pull back.
“Julie, I…” is all I can muster.
“Why are you crying?” you sob to me. I have never heard you sound more devastated. It is like I’ve hollowed you out and come back scraping for more, as if every moment I breathe I am tormenting you. But you do the same to me, can’t you see? We destroy each other.
Every moment with you I burn, every glance and my heart is racing, every touch and I’m thinking of it for weeks in the future. You are the reason I bother living which in turn makes you the bane of my existence. We will carve each other into pieces, every word said another bullet in the pile of ammunition. Every second without you will be spent wanting you until it drives me mad and you see the mess I am. The mess I’ve always been.
And you won’t want to see me at all after that.
All this and more crawls up my throat but I swallow it back.
“Emma, I need you to say something to me. I can’t… I can’t breathe right now.”
“What do you want me to say?” I cry as my heart is torn from my chest. I pull my hands away and step back.
“I don’t know, maybe that you love me too?”
“Of course I love you.” Thunder echoes with my words as light flashes in the sky. “I love you so much it hurts and I don’t—”
My words are cut off when your lips rush at mine. I grip onto the collar of your shirt, deepening the kiss. Your fingers thread in my hair and the moment is so perfect and better than everything I’ve ever dreamed.
This won’t last. She’ll figure you out and it will hurt so much worse later.
I sharply push you away. Your cheeks are flushed, your pupils are dilated, and your mouth is parted.
“Emma.” You whisper. I can’t hear you over the sounds of the downpour but I read your puffy lips all the same. My heart is shattering and I put a hand against my ribcage to hold it in.
“I can’t. Julie, we can’t… I can’t…”
Every word I utter is the piercing bang of a shotgun against your chest. I can see the blood pour onto the street as my own drains too.
“What?”
I turn and run; this time not slowing when you call my name.
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