Hannah K.
It’s funny, isn’t it, how one day we will be forgotten by ourselves. Near the end of our lives we will forget everything that made us us. Our memories will slip from us like sand falling through our fingers; the harder we hold on, the more we will lose. And if we don’t know who we are, then who will? We will become nothing but our presents, the rest forgotten or too hard to fathom.
And yet, and yet, I feel like I could never forget you. You were everything to me. You were the sun the rest of us orbit around; without you I was no one.
The first time we met, I hadn’t thought much about it. There was me, and then there was you. We weren’t opposite, because at least opposites are noticeable together. There’s night and day, wet and dry, hope and despair; and then there was us—not similar enough to connect, but certainly not different enough to hate one another. It was more so like we were just two people existing that stumbled upon each other.
I don’t think that we were ever meant to become more.
But then, as I was leaving the school doors later that day, the sun’s rays blinding in their fervor, someone tapped me on my shoulder. Two quick tap taps, so soft that I had half convinced myself they weren’t real. Still, I turned my head behind and there you were again.
I took a look at you then, a real look at you, and all of the sudden my mouth felt dry and I couldn’t seem to maintain eye contact. But it didn’t matter because all you said to me was that I left my book behind in class.
I had glanced down to your arms, and lo and behold, there was my current read. I blushed terribly when I realized the cover was very blatantly a romance, but I pretended not to notice it.
I thanked you, and you smiled back at me, saying that the author was one of your favourites. I felt something in the very universe shift at that statement, that brief spark of connection. Something had changed, I was sure of it.
Of course, it didn’t matter what I was and wasn’t sure of because you turned away and ran into the swarm of people that were your friends. I felt an odd sort of pang in my chest, but I dismissed it as nothing more than my imagination.
Maybe that should’ve been the end of us, two strangers having a brief yet wholesome encounter. Even so, I went home and spent the rest of the evening thinking about you. Your smile was so wide. A lot of people, myself included, smile only halfway. It’s like we unconsciously try to hide a part of us, hesitant to give away even the smallest bits of ourselves. But you smile with your whole face, even when you’re just having a polite interaction with a girl of no relevance. I loved your smile.
The next day, we had a seating plan arranged in one of our classes. Maybe it was the universe’s sense of humour or maybe I had just manifested an accidental reality with my overthinking, but we were placed next to one another. And then we started talking, and my goodness, it was heaven.
You know how there are people out there who you just click with in just days of knowing? You were that for me.
We’d been chatting in class for a few weeks, when you asked to hang out with me out of class. I can’t remember what exactly I said, but I do know it was something stupid I had regretted immediately. You just laughed, and clarified that you meant as a date. You wanted to go out on a date with me.
Lord, I was astounded. Of course I was infatuated with you, but I had only dreamt that those feelings could be reciprocated. But here you were, asking me out on a date. I said yes in an instant, but then again, that isn’t all that surprising—I would’ve said yes to anything you asked.
Our date was wonderful, but you know that of course. You took me to a bookstore and we talked about a million different things. You took me for a walk afterwards around our town, and we shared ice cream outside as the sun set. And then we went to your house, the place empty for the evening. You kissed me.
I kissed you.
It was just kissing but it was everything I could’ve possibly imagined and more. It was…well, you were there, I suppose, you know what it was like. It was like the glory of crashing waves against the shore, or the sky shining in patches as lightning streaks across the sky. My stomach turned and flipped and I leaped right into your arms. It was magnificent.
I was falling for you way quicker than I knew I should be. I tried to reason myself out of it, isn’t that silly? I told myself over and over that I just really liked you, that it was nothing more. But of course, it was so much more than what simple words could ever imagine to express.
The thing is, I feel like you stopped trying once you had me. Our first few times together were wonderful; every date and stolen kiss in the dark acting as absolutely exquisite. Then it was more than just little kisses together, and I loved it just as much.
After that, though, it was like you changed. You became more distant, more moody, more unpredictable. I could never guess what you wanted, and you would become frustrated when I got it wrong. You started yelling at me, but I knew who you were. I knew you to be kind and loving, so this was just a rough patch in our relationship. It had to be.
And I think it was like that only for a few weeks, but then you turned back to the old you. You were caring and attentive and I felt so when we were together. I’ve said this before, but you were everything to me.
But then, again, you’d change. You demeaned me and pushed me down until I was a small mouse in the corner hiding from the lion that you had become. But god, I loved you.
I thought you loved me too.
You said as much, but I don’t think what we had was love. It hurt too much to be love.
You taught me to hate myself before I even knew I was unlikable. You ruined who I was, and changed who I was going to be. When you left me in that fiery storm of a fight, I was bruised and hurt all over, inside and out. We didn’t get back together after that one, though you tried.
I hate myself for wanting you back too.
I avoid you as much as I can now, because it hurts to look at you. Your smile is just as charming, your taste in books just as alluring. I want to hug you and kiss you and listen to you tell me how much you love me. But if I go back to you, I don’t know how I’ll come out. I don’t want to change anymore than I already have. When you keep stretching someone, it’s only so long before they break.
Even so, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget you. I try so hard, beg and pray to the universe that I could be free of you entirely, mind and soul. Yet I still remember.
I think I will remember you until the day I die.
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